Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Where does the time go?

Rich made it home this past weekend. We got lots accomplished around the homestead. The dogs now are fenced in and have a hot wire running the perimeter. Didn't take them long to figure out what that wire was for! Needless to say, it only took a few zaps and NO DIGGING AND GETTING OUT! Pressure gone for me. I can enjoy them again.

Then we built a chicken cop for the chickies. We also clipped their wings. They roost at night and cluck and scratch all day. Life is good once more.

That was until Rich left again Sunday night. This time it hasn't been as hard. The last trip I thought I was gonna have to check myself in somewhere. My heart literally ached. We have never been apart that far or that long before - 18 yrs! Every night I cried. All day I cried. I stopped eating and pretty much stopped drinking too. Not good. I need to take care of myself for my kids. The stress of the dogs getting out constantly and all the leaks and things breaking around here (why do these things happen when he is gone??) was getting to be too much.

We worked hard in the time we had and it paid off. I'm able to relax, talk on the phone, get on the computer and be happy! Tears are still shed - sorry, cannot help it. When I hear his voice on that phone it sure sounds like he is in the next room. But he's not. He's thousands of miles away from us and he's just as lonely as we are.

Having free mobile to mobile is a blessing! We are able to talk when we want and for as long as we want. Ahhh.. just knowing that is an option puts me at ease. He's learning to use text messaging... at first all his words ran together hehehe. He's so cute.

I'm counting down the days for him to come home. Hopefully he won't have to go to work here in town while he is home. There is still lots to do and see about.

We are still not finish settling with our insurance company. I finally spoke to someone who seems to have some pull. He is the first one to ask me if I was being taken care of by my insurance. Uhm, no. So I let him know my peeves: Don't tell me you are going to call and then you don't. I understand if you cannot. I am aware of the situation. But let me know a time frame or a time when you can speak to me. Don't leave me hanging. Don't let me continually get your voice mail. I've been known to fill up voice mail. Quickly too. Then nobody else will be able to get thru and they will be furious. Be honest with me. It's okay that it will take you three weeks to get to my claim or that you are sorry that my claim has been passed around to 3 different people and now it just landed in your lap. Don't have attitude with me and act like it's MY fault it was just handed to you yesterday. I don't care. I don't. I've been dealing with this since Oct ... I'm tired of waiting. If you cannot handle to load then you need to get some help. Don't try to make me feel bad. I"m all out of sympathy. I'm ready to get my life in motion and I need to know what direction to take. I pay YOU, remember. And I pay good money. I also pay a year in advance..and I've never had a claim until now. So handle up on it, as my husband would say. I'm tempted to tell them it's time to shit or get off the pot!

While Rich was home this weekend he suggested we needed some Christmas cheer in the camper. Cheer? What? HUH? Whatever. I'm NOT cheerful and I don't know if I can GET cheerful. Last year I buried my grandmother right before Christmas and this year I have no house and my husband is headed back to Calfornia and you want me to also pull come cheer out of my hat???

How can I resist when he buys a tree in a burlap sac and says we can use it for our Christmas tree. It's a tabletop decoration haha. But it worked. And we got some icecicle lights to go around the awning.. still not up yet. But it's working. The Christmas spirit is creeping in. Even if I don't have anything wrapped and still have Sarah and Daniel to buy for.. even if I don't have wrapping paper yet and have tons more to get... I cannot forget the reason we celebrate Christmas. If I forget that... then Rita wins. And my God is much bigger than Rita.

Even my phone ringers are singing Christmas music when someone calls. How spiffy is that? Time to slip into bed and have visions of sugerplums dancing in my head... one day closer to my husband returning home!

Gnite, Gracie!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

and again and again...

Our birdie passed away. His name was Itzy and he had been with us for a loong time. He survived the storm and the horrible days after.. but for some reason he just couldn't hold up. He never looked sick. He just seemed to die suddenly. Stress? I don't know.

Then Sarah's hampster died. If you only knew how much Ham-Ham meant to her. That child still played with Hammy almost daily. She never tired of him or hated cleaning his cage. She often reminded her brother to feed/water HIS hampter. She played with him so much and he was such a good lil Hammy. I don't like rodents.. but I liked him. He brought her so much happiness. And I loved to watch her with him. We lost him in the house twice. And each time he came back. Daniel found Hammy when he died and told Sarah. She was pretty upset. I have promised her when we get a house she can have another. She still plays with the dogs and the cats and the chickens.. she is a real animal lover. She never fusses to clean up after then or tend to them.. she finds great joy in her animals. I just hope she continues and uses her love of them in her adult life.

My MIL is doing well. Better than I would, that's for sure! Rich is in California and it has been hell here. You know how things go wrong when someone leaves. Yup. That's here. A water leak here and a leak there.... and bad weather (I don't like bad weather) and making sure the awning is not about to burst under the weight of the rainwater collecting on it. UGH!

I did what I never said I would do. I cried to Rich while he was away. I mean cried. I miss him so terribly much. He's my other half. And I feel so lost. I say I'd never do that to him because he is working and cannot come home to "rescue" me. I don't want him to feel bad.. I don't want him to feel helpless. But gosh, it's HARD. And then the pets dying. and coping with the kids.. and still the coping of my FIL.... and with Rich gone and seeing how things seem to just fall apart.. I cannot help but feel for my MIL. Thankfully nothing has happened at her house.. but in time it will. Will she be able to make it? Will she call us to help? I hope so. I don't want her to feel like this. It's horrible.

I know it wouldn't be so bad if I were IN a house living comfortably and going about my daily normal routine. But I"m not. I'm in a camper with 3 kids who want mom in three different directions, 2 dogs who keep getting out (who are now chained up and bark constantly), a bird that passed, a hammy that passed.. one hammy still around and chickens and cats that need feeding and watering. Oh yah, and I work. Add supper and homework and laundry... ack! The kids do help.. but they ARE kids. They cannot sit and talk to me at the end of a day. They cannot listen to my fears and calm my nerves.

I'm not complaining, really, I just needed to vent. I needed someone to say "It's gonna be a right. I'll be home soon. And I miss you and the kids." But that's not what I got. Instead I got a husband who was frustrated because he cannot fix things for us.. and he's trying to work and run here and do this and that.. and there is a time difference involved. He's frustrated. I am frustrated. And being separated only adds to the frustration.

I tell ya... stress is not a good thing. And I've had my fill. I've had enough to last a lifetime in this one year.

And today? What's so special about today? Today is my Grandmother's Bday. She passed away last year.. 17 days after her birthday. We buried her just before Cmas, and it was a sucky Cmas. This year seems to be a repeater.

So, chin up... I prefer to look on the bright side - always an optimist! But man, sometimes it is hard. Really hard. But I'm trying. Trying really hard. I took the hurricane and losing my home in stride. Many people said my inner strength was incredible. But I think i'm about broken now. I dig deep, but it's empty. I've even used up my reserve.

Surely tomorrow will be better. I cannot image it being worse.