Sunday, December 04, 2005

and again and again...

Our birdie passed away. His name was Itzy and he had been with us for a loong time. He survived the storm and the horrible days after.. but for some reason he just couldn't hold up. He never looked sick. He just seemed to die suddenly. Stress? I don't know.

Then Sarah's hampster died. If you only knew how much Ham-Ham meant to her. That child still played with Hammy almost daily. She never tired of him or hated cleaning his cage. She often reminded her brother to feed/water HIS hampter. She played with him so much and he was such a good lil Hammy. I don't like rodents.. but I liked him. He brought her so much happiness. And I loved to watch her with him. We lost him in the house twice. And each time he came back. Daniel found Hammy when he died and told Sarah. She was pretty upset. I have promised her when we get a house she can have another. She still plays with the dogs and the cats and the chickens.. she is a real animal lover. She never fusses to clean up after then or tend to them.. she finds great joy in her animals. I just hope she continues and uses her love of them in her adult life.

My MIL is doing well. Better than I would, that's for sure! Rich is in California and it has been hell here. You know how things go wrong when someone leaves. Yup. That's here. A water leak here and a leak there.... and bad weather (I don't like bad weather) and making sure the awning is not about to burst under the weight of the rainwater collecting on it. UGH!

I did what I never said I would do. I cried to Rich while he was away. I mean cried. I miss him so terribly much. He's my other half. And I feel so lost. I say I'd never do that to him because he is working and cannot come home to "rescue" me. I don't want him to feel bad.. I don't want him to feel helpless. But gosh, it's HARD. And then the pets dying. and coping with the kids.. and still the coping of my FIL.... and with Rich gone and seeing how things seem to just fall apart.. I cannot help but feel for my MIL. Thankfully nothing has happened at her house.. but in time it will. Will she be able to make it? Will she call us to help? I hope so. I don't want her to feel like this. It's horrible.

I know it wouldn't be so bad if I were IN a house living comfortably and going about my daily normal routine. But I"m not. I'm in a camper with 3 kids who want mom in three different directions, 2 dogs who keep getting out (who are now chained up and bark constantly), a bird that passed, a hammy that passed.. one hammy still around and chickens and cats that need feeding and watering. Oh yah, and I work. Add supper and homework and laundry... ack! The kids do help.. but they ARE kids. They cannot sit and talk to me at the end of a day. They cannot listen to my fears and calm my nerves.

I'm not complaining, really, I just needed to vent. I needed someone to say "It's gonna be a right. I'll be home soon. And I miss you and the kids." But that's not what I got. Instead I got a husband who was frustrated because he cannot fix things for us.. and he's trying to work and run here and do this and that.. and there is a time difference involved. He's frustrated. I am frustrated. And being separated only adds to the frustration.

I tell ya... stress is not a good thing. And I've had my fill. I've had enough to last a lifetime in this one year.

And today? What's so special about today? Today is my Grandmother's Bday. She passed away last year.. 17 days after her birthday. We buried her just before Cmas, and it was a sucky Cmas. This year seems to be a repeater.

So, chin up... I prefer to look on the bright side - always an optimist! But man, sometimes it is hard. Really hard. But I'm trying. Trying really hard. I took the hurricane and losing my home in stride. Many people said my inner strength was incredible. But I think i'm about broken now. I dig deep, but it's empty. I've even used up my reserve.

Surely tomorrow will be better. I cannot image it being worse.

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