Saturday, October 06, 2007

Spanx wrestling

Sorry for the delay. Life has a way of needing attention.

I leave the mall and zip back to my hotel room to get ready for the services. I'm stoked to have finally gotten some Spanx and cannot wait to wear them.

A quick strip of the clothes and a dash of powder. Time to get those puppies on. I had heard so much about Spanx and was so excited to have finally found a reason to treat myself. Nervously I grab the package, not sure what to expect. Dumping it out on the bed I'm shocked. THIS? is gonna gonna fit?????? What? I kid you not, the width was about as wide as my hand. Seriously.

"No time for games," I keep telling myself. Surely the Spanx people know what they are doing. One leg in. Good to go. I have to lift my other leg at the ankle as my Spanx won't stretch far enough away from the right leg they are currently wrapped around. What? No higher? WAit? Are these panties??? Wait.. whatever they are they gotta go ON the hips.

Slip them off. No way. There is NO way that is gonna fit. Take a swig of water because now my mouth is dry from the panting!

One more try. OH OH. All the way to the upper thighs.. here we go. What? How the HELL am I supposed to get this over my hips and ass... AND STILL BREATHE??? Surely they are the wrong size???

Slipped them off, determined they MUST be the wrong size in the wrong package. A quick reference to the back of the package at the sizing chart. Okay.. height, weight.. go across. Okay.. yes. This IS supposed to fit.

Now I'm nervous. Time is ticking and time has been wasted on these things. I decided to forgo the Spanx and catch them another time. Pulled my dress pants on and slipped my OH.SO.CUTE shoes onto my newly pedicured toes. Next comes the shell and the button up shirt I brought along. nice! I'm hunting for the jewelry and catch a glimpse in the mirror. HUH? I look good. But I could be looking better. I mean... didn't I BUY the Spanx to make me look/feel better??? When was I gonna wear them again if not now?? Why would they sell them if nobody could fit in them? Oprah raved about them. The woman who designed them said there was a need for them. Well, I NEED them now!

Take off ALL my clothes and vow to try once more! I know they will go to at least my upper thighs. I get them that far and roll back onto the bed. I'm wriggling and struggling and rolling around. I'm huffing and puffing and down right determined to get them ON. I stand. OH! I SQUAT! It's working. I'm pulling and tugging and squating.

Ahhh.. I stand erect with my new Spanx firmly (and I mean firmly) in place! Ta-dah!! ON! YES! I won! I'm also sweating, my hair is a mess and heck, I'm pooped! But I have them suckers on!

Now, they were snug. They reminded me of sucking in without having to do the work of holding it in. They reminded me. well.. very much like when you bought pantyhose that were a size too small.. but with a bit more give in them. I don't like my stuff tight and these are definitely tight. But they do hold everything in place and give a more slimming appearance.

Jump back into my clothes. Nice! Find my jewelry. Fix my hair. Touchup the makeup and out the door I dash, feeling as if I know a secret that nobody else knows, and make it to the services on time.

While they were nice and make you feel pulled together, I cannot imagine having to potty. I'm certain I would have pulled the entire stall down by the time I had them back in place. haha. KIDDING! I was glad to get them off and probably would only wear them for special functions. Not my everyday kinda undies.

1 comment:

Mary said...

Oh. My. Goodness. I laughed so har! I bought a pair of spanx just a few days ago and I love them! But I can only wear them a few hours at a time, because I simply cannot breathe. I know someone who wears them all day, every day. Nope, couldn't do it.
They make cr*tchless Spanx. And they work just like you theink they would. That's teh kind I have. Love them. Except for the breathing part.