Sunday, June 29, 2008

Short-lived, but I'll take it!

My hunny will be home this week. After that, back to work out of town. Hopefully, it won't be for more than a week. In the meantime, I may be sparse as I'll be spending every possible moment be with my family :)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

and the bad dream continues...

blah. Hubby informed me that he may have to go yet another week out of town. blah!

While my depression is much much better.. the loneliness is still there. Just not the same with him gone. So... i been filling in the void with friends. Now, when he will come back i'll have to retrain myself to stay home and not run the roads. LOL

Last night was a little office get together... margaritas were flowing.. omgosh, they were so freaking good! I had 4 and then decided to call it quits. thank goodness. When those puppies kicked in... yikes! I drank one recently at a wedding and i quickly remembered why i loved them so! that tingly feeling.. that flushed face.. that overwhelming feeling of attraction i had for my hbby while we were dancing.. YUMMY! I'd like to think he loved it to So when the office called.. i jumped at the chance to visit and drink margaritas with good friends. MMM

Then I was forced to text hubby and tell him about my wonderful yet lonely night. blah!

Oh well.. he mentioned something about bringing a gallon jug home with him on Friday LOLOL

Monday, June 09, 2008

weed whacking

Since it's close to Father's Day, I figured all the cool tools will be going on sale. I'm wanting to take advantage of the sales to get an electric weedeater. I cannot handle the gas powered one. It vibrates so much that my hands swell, it's awfully heavy and it's a pain to use. I'd like to be able to help Rich around the yard. And much to my surprise, I like working in the yard. I'm hoping to get some landscaping in this fall and want to be able to keep things looking nice, at least in the front yard LOL

And for Rich? I'm looking at a bug zapper for mosquitoes. Hopefully it works as well as the claim. Once the bloodsuckers come out, I go in. But hubby sprays himself from top to bottom and continues on working outside. ICK! I know it won't cure the entire problem.. but to lessen would be nice. Seems since the hurricane the mosquitos have multiplied ten fold.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

deep thinking

Every now and then I like to toss a question out to my kids that makes them really think. Most of the time this happens in the truck. I dunno, just something to do.

Question was: When you die, how do you think people will remember you?

Sarah: The girl who laughs. A LOT.

And she's right. Sarah loves to laugh. It's not an annoying laugh. Even when I'm mad at her and fussing, if she laughs.. it just warms my heart. She just loves so easily. So innocently. So openly. She's so fresh and genuine. Her laugh is soft and sweet. I hope she always keeps that.

I asked, "How will people remember me?"

Sarah thought for a moment and then looked at me all seriously and said, "The one who always knew the right thing to do. The one with the best advice."

I had to look out the window so I wouldn't cry. Wow. At 13, this is what she comes out with.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

his voice

Tonight I got to hear my wonderful husband's voice. Music to my ears. In today's world we use technology so much that we take it for granted. He's working in a small town that really only one cell phone provider can actually get out and .. well.. it's not ours LOL We can text while he is at the place he sleeps. While he is at work there is no service. This is very hard. We've been married for 20 yrs and ever since he worked in California he sees now how important constant communication is. I knew at any time I could pick up the phone and call. Just knowing that put me at ease. Now? Texts are very early morning and evenings. Even then they sometimes go thru much later than when he wrote them, so it makes holding a real-time conversation almost impossible. He borrowed a roomies phone and called. He's ready to come home. Too much like when he worked in California. Too far away from his family. I am doing much better this time. I'm in a comfortable house and we are all settled in. It's just keeping up with daily things instead of surviving. I use to think I missed when he worked shiftwork as I got a few days to myself... I prefer him home every night in the bed with ME. Even if he's ZZZZ long before me.

I dunno how long this job is gonna last, but he's already said he wants to take some vacation time when it's done.

HOpefully, Friday he works 1/2 a day!!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

depression

There are some people who think depression is not real. Pull up the boot straps, dig deep and move forward.

Baloney.

Depression is very real. And I know sometimes you are not even aware you ARE depressed. You really have to stop and look at yourself and your life. And you have to be honest.

After the hurricane I was depressed. Many people told me later they saw it. I never saw it. Honestly. It was tough getting thru a day. Five of us lived in a camper. A camper. It's like the size of a bathroom, people. Seriously. We all lived there. And I worked in a portable building. Getting thru a day: Getting kids up and ready for school, making sure they have everything needed, work, cleaning, laundry, bills, shopping, meals, storage. It was so overwhelming. Very. I knew something was wrong. I was tired. I was stressed. I had no desire to do things. I was in survival mode. Kids, work, meals, laundry, sleep. Over and over. Day after day. I was going to bed at 8. Yes, i was tired.. but i was drained. I cried. I cried because I was crying and didn't know why i was crying. I take care of running the house and all that goes with it. My husband prefers it too. He takes care of the manly stuff. During this time of depression, my support, my husband, was working in California. With time zone differences it was rare we were able to talk and share things. The load was on me. Totally.

I was depressed. And nobody stepped up to help. I didn't want people to save me or rescue me. I was working on insurance settlements and getting things lined up ... I wanted someone to ease my stress. A meal. Take my kids for a few hours. Let me rest. Make me take time for myself. A haircut. A movie. A massage. A pedicure. SOMETHING. I often think about that time during my life and wonder what I could have done differently. I could have spoken up and let others KNOW what i needed. But I was depressed and didn't know it! I lightened my load all I could with having the kids help. It helped.. but it wasn't like it was with my husband there. I had no support. Nobody to listen. Nobody to say "wow.. good job!" or "shit, you had a hard day." My friends were busy with their own problems. Life was hard all over. It was not just me. But I felt so alone. I probably needed medication. Seriously. It was that bad.

Time passed and things changed and life goes on.

Fast forward to this week. My huband is working out of town. He's much closer, but he doesn't come home each night. Working at home, I look forward to him coming home to have an adult conversation and use him as a sounding board. I look forward to hearing about his day and sharing mine with him. He'll be home Friday. I'm glad. While watering the garden today I realized depression is creeping up on me again. I am lost without him. Co-dependent? probably. But we like tend to look at it as Married and supportive of each other. I feel myself not wanting to do anything more than needs to be done. My routines are all gone amuke. I don't want to cook. I don't want to go out in the yard. I'm really tired at night. I need to pace myself. I need to get out and do something. I need to be a part of the living. I can feel myself shutting out the world. That only adds to the depression.

This time I'm aware of these feelings and I'm actively working to change things before they get out of hand.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Freon

What a glorious product freon is. The temps are already in the 90s in Louisiana. We are melting. Already.

We had a new unit put in during the Spring. They filled it with freon but if the temps are not hot enough the freon don't fill up what ever it goes into. All I know is the guy said when the temps get warmer to give them a call and they'd come and make sure we had enough freon to cool in the hot temps.

Guess what? It got hot and I called and today they are here. Apparently my unit was freezing up and he's checking it now and gonna tell me what I need to do - change to a different filter, etc. HOpefully it's something minor and we can be on our merry way. I cannot stand to be hot. We have kept the house totally closed - doors, blinds, shades, heat blocking curtains and even stuffed pillows in the arched windows to block that blasted sun! It's HOT people.

Why oh why do we continue to live in the south???

I want to be cool and not have to sell my son on Ebay LOL