Tuesday, June 03, 2008

depression

There are some people who think depression is not real. Pull up the boot straps, dig deep and move forward.

Baloney.

Depression is very real. And I know sometimes you are not even aware you ARE depressed. You really have to stop and look at yourself and your life. And you have to be honest.

After the hurricane I was depressed. Many people told me later they saw it. I never saw it. Honestly. It was tough getting thru a day. Five of us lived in a camper. A camper. It's like the size of a bathroom, people. Seriously. We all lived there. And I worked in a portable building. Getting thru a day: Getting kids up and ready for school, making sure they have everything needed, work, cleaning, laundry, bills, shopping, meals, storage. It was so overwhelming. Very. I knew something was wrong. I was tired. I was stressed. I had no desire to do things. I was in survival mode. Kids, work, meals, laundry, sleep. Over and over. Day after day. I was going to bed at 8. Yes, i was tired.. but i was drained. I cried. I cried because I was crying and didn't know why i was crying. I take care of running the house and all that goes with it. My husband prefers it too. He takes care of the manly stuff. During this time of depression, my support, my husband, was working in California. With time zone differences it was rare we were able to talk and share things. The load was on me. Totally.

I was depressed. And nobody stepped up to help. I didn't want people to save me or rescue me. I was working on insurance settlements and getting things lined up ... I wanted someone to ease my stress. A meal. Take my kids for a few hours. Let me rest. Make me take time for myself. A haircut. A movie. A massage. A pedicure. SOMETHING. I often think about that time during my life and wonder what I could have done differently. I could have spoken up and let others KNOW what i needed. But I was depressed and didn't know it! I lightened my load all I could with having the kids help. It helped.. but it wasn't like it was with my husband there. I had no support. Nobody to listen. Nobody to say "wow.. good job!" or "shit, you had a hard day." My friends were busy with their own problems. Life was hard all over. It was not just me. But I felt so alone. I probably needed medication. Seriously. It was that bad.

Time passed and things changed and life goes on.

Fast forward to this week. My huband is working out of town. He's much closer, but he doesn't come home each night. Working at home, I look forward to him coming home to have an adult conversation and use him as a sounding board. I look forward to hearing about his day and sharing mine with him. He'll be home Friday. I'm glad. While watering the garden today I realized depression is creeping up on me again. I am lost without him. Co-dependent? probably. But we like tend to look at it as Married and supportive of each other. I feel myself not wanting to do anything more than needs to be done. My routines are all gone amuke. I don't want to cook. I don't want to go out in the yard. I'm really tired at night. I need to pace myself. I need to get out and do something. I need to be a part of the living. I can feel myself shutting out the world. That only adds to the depression.

This time I'm aware of these feelings and I'm actively working to change things before they get out of hand.

2 comments:

Anne-Marie said...

Rachel, I haven't been to your blog in a while. I'm so sorry to hear things are rough with you - although this post was written 3rd June, so I hope you are feeling better now.

I too suffer from depression and it is very, very hard. I now know the signs of it coming and I do what ever I need to get through it. Keep writing my journal, exercise, try to eat, lean on my family.

I hope you are okay. I will pray for you.

Rangimarie [peace],
Anne-Marie

Tracy said...

Hello, this is my first post at your blog and I'm sure it won't be my last!
I have suffered with depression since I was 14 yrs old and with age and childbearing it has gotten worse for me. I'm on meds for it but it still doesn't take it all away and I deal with it on and off all the time. I think your incredibly brave to share your story, I had posted about my depression but quickly deleted it, I don't know why, well, I think I wanted to come off as always being in control (which I'm not!) and I know my mom reads my blog and I know her knowing my depression was acting up would cause her to worry. Thankfully, I'm pretty good at knowing it is coming on now and then I can act and take steps to make it more bearable.
This is a fantastic blog and with your permission I'd like to add it to my blog roll? thanks and many blessings to you!